How to Make Friends in Your 30s

Making new friends in adulthood is rough, especially so when you pack up your entire life into two, maybe four suitcases and move halfway across the world from your community. It is even tougher when you have no job due to a pending visa application, and you also don't have school to attend, which results in a lack of a third space where you can see people consistently. To leave your house, you would have to seek out things to do.

The challenges of making new friends are multilayered.

For one, many people already have established friendships, so the chances of them looking to make new friends are low. Secondly, being an adult means having less time overall. There's work, chores, routines, existing relationships, and maintenance. Novelty is mainly for those who seek it. Lastly, the definition of friendship may vary from person to person. When definitions don't align, the nurturing of a friendship may be on infertile land, thus there will be resistance to the growth of a healthy relationship.

Friendships are one of the key relationships in my life.

They are people who are akin to family, but even more highly regarded, as we aren't bound by blood, but as kindred spirits. Friends are the first people I go to when I have something new to share, regardless of whether it's good or bad. They are my sanctuary, a place I find solace from the world. To me, friendship means riding the waves of life together, even if we're at different junctures of our lives, we hold onto one another as we know that we are the ones to keep each other from drifting too far from one another, but also from ourselves.

I'm grateful to say that most of my friends are people I've known for over a decade. They have seen me through different phases of my life, celebrated my wins, mourned my losses, and borne witness to the decisions that have shaped me into who I am today.

With any relationship, though, there are challenges.

Disagreements happen. Feelings get hurt. Mistakes happen. However, it's how everyone involved comes together after to resolve the conflict, hold each other accountable, and reach mutual understanding that is the key to a lasting friendship.

During this stage in my life, most of my core friendships are long-distance. I am extremely grateful that technology keeps us connected in many ways, from voice notes to recount a story too good to be shared via text, to a collaborative Google Document to map out our latest joint passion project, there's no shortage of ways to stay connected. My favorite way of keeping in touch so far is through bi-weekly/monthly video calls on Google Meet.

Many days, I wish I lived in a commune with my closest friends where we could cook together, eat together, watch movies together, and chat into the night. My retirement plan involves a cul-de-sac or small village where my closest friends are a stone's throw away.

Lately, friendship involves a lot of logistical planning.

Making plans to catch a movie is similar to arranging a check-in call with a superior. Calendars need to be consulted. More often than not, plans can only be locked in within 2 - 3 business weeks.

I don't blame anyone for this other than the capitalistic society we're tethered to, which results in personal lives being shoved aside because earning a living is no longer a 9 - 5. I also understand how exhausting it can be to socialize after work when all you want to do is curl up on the couch and rest. The effects of the pandemic have resulted in more homebodies, based on my many conversations with various people, but that's a subject for another day.

There are days when I wish I could call up a friend and say, "Hey, let's grab coffee and go for a walk". Or "Wanna come over and watch reality TV?"

Somehow, it always feels like more elaborate plans need to be in place. There needs to be a meal or an excitement/novelty factor to truly make it a solid plan. Otherwise, it's difficult to convince people to leave the comfort of their homes, which I completely understand.

I've seen TikToks that make the case for a low-stakes hang, but personally, that requires friends within a 5-mile radius. Anything more and it would be unsustainable.

In the search for friends within a 5-mile radius, I've been venturing outside my comfort zone and attending a range of community-oriented events/hangouts to seek connection.

My intentions are to go into every event with an open mind, put myself out there by making conversation, and see what happens. I try not to force things or go into a space with the main mission of finding friends, because I believe that friendships should form organically. The key principles of forming friendships also include consistency and proximity. Essentially, friendships are best formed when you see each other regularly in a common space, such as in the office or classroom. Hence why it's so easy to make friends when we're in high school or college.

In the month of June, I've attended a zine-making workshop, a letter-writing club, and an in-person book club meeting. All of which I've entered solo. A common pattern I've identified is that all of these events involve an activity that I enjoy, which prioritizes passion over seeking connection. If I meet someone I vibe with, great, but if not, I'm just happy I got to do the damn thing and have a good time. Most, if not all of the time, I leave feeling accomplished that I put myself out there, tried something new, and had some nice conversations.

All of this to say that the journey in finding friends is ongoing.

I don't know if my method is going to be effective, but I wanted to document this somewhere as a way of archiving this period of my life. Two of the events I attended occur regularly every month, so that would be a great way to see if the principles will result in friendships forming. Whether it does or it doesn't, I'll report back.