The Fear of Being Perceived

In a time when our digital presence holds value, it is a luxury to be completely offline. When job hunting, it's no surprise when companies ask for your socials or website links. Perhaps you want to stay abreast of the latest happenings in your city – Instagram is your best bet.

To exist without an online presence is extremely difficult for the everyday person.

There was a time in 2023 - 2024 when I felt fatigued by social media. As much as I wanted to disconnect completely, my job as a marketing and communications manager prevented me from doing so. I had to monitor our various channels and stay updated on the latest trends and changes. By then, I was completely off Twitter and Facebook, but stayed connected on Instagram Desktop by deleting the app from my phone. Thankfully, the Instagram Desktop's interface was so inconvenient that I mainly used it for work and keeping up with a select number of friends.

The decision to delete Instagram from my phone came when I realized how often I would find my thumb hovering over the app whenever free time arose. I could be standing in line at the grocery store, and I'll find myself scrolling passively. Technology should be working for me, I shouldn't be beholden to it, I decided.

It was also the time when the world felt like it was set on fire with global conflicts being covered 24/7 on the news, and part of me felt guilty for posting anything that wasn't related to boosting awareness.

This also tied into my fear of being perceived. Being online means putting myself out there. I risk people misconstruing my words and dissecting my every action with malicious intent. There was also a thought that being online meant sharing parts of my life, which I have found held value because it's information that I'm voluntarily sharing. I no longer wanted to be perceived in a passive, parasocial type of way. This may sound like I hold myself to such a high regard, but what I mean is that I wanted genuine connections. Instead of finding out about a life update through Instagram stories, I wanted my friends to hear it directly from me during a conversation at lunch or over a phone call. I wanted people to understand the full story with all its beauty and ugliness instead of seeing my highlight reel on social media. Since moving, I have returned to posting little updates as a way of staying in touch with friends and family who live on the other side of the world.

Before starting this blog, I had the same thought. I feared putting my thoughts, ideas, and opinions out there because I didn't want to be crucified.

Although we have seen time and time again how cancel culture doesn't work (ahem, JK Rowling), I have faced many instances of PR cleanups to know that it would take a toll on my mental health. There was a time when I could barely eat because I was grinding my teeth every night due to a work-related PR crisis. Or the other time I had chest pains and thought I was on the verge of a heart attack, but was told by a doctor that it was just my anxiety. Also, another work-related issue.

However, I am reminded that I should "Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game." A quote from one of my childhood favorite movies: A Cinderella Story.

I considered that no matter what happens, this is a learning opportunity.

I would lose so much more by not pursuing my passion. I would like to have said that I tried, and that, to me, is what's important. When receiving feedback, I believe it would be a good learning opportunity if the criticism is in good faith. As someone who learns from my mistakes, if there is a line of thinking that I should reconsider, I would be open to learning about it.

This blog has been a source of great comfort for me to note down my thoughts and document my various mini-adventures in this season of transition in my life. I view it as a virtual diary of sorts, one that I would look back fondly on in the future.

Before this post went live, I came across this video by Anna Howard that really struck a chord with me. She touched on so many thoughts that have crossed my mind, ultimately concluding that at the end of the day, we have to keep creating, even if you don't put your work out that. In fact, it may even be helpful to create with the sole purpose to destroy it afterwards. I recommend giving it a listen because there are some nuggets of wisdom here.

All of this to say, if you feel called to do something, do it. You'll be surprised by the outcome once you do!